Hope and Distractions

It is my belief that the lives we lead are wildly divergent. Every decision we make, every bond we create, the people we hold dear, the things we consider our favorites. Every single moment we are doing something that makes us unique, not in the context of those around us, but in the entirety of life.

The breadth of life is almost unfathomable. Enough to convince anyone that there is no universality to it all. So to that I raise hope. Hope is such a malleable unifying force that anything within its scope brings about the same feeling, the same drive, the same determination.

Alas, hope is much too hopeful for me to be discussing. What I think is much more interesting is the lack thereof. The word I would think describes this position most accurately is despair. However, coming face to face with the reality of it I would moreso call it apathy. It feels to me that despair is much too romantic and intense to be in line with real world experience; there is no light at the end of the tunnel, mind and soul are broken, etc etc. I think to reach that point you must face exceptionally monumental episodes and come out beyond repair. Most human beings are lucky enough to never have that happen to them. They instead face a different challenge.

Whenever you are presented with a hardship, I would assume you don't let it defeat you. Do what you must: struggle, claw, and force a conclusion that leaves you the victor. That's just human nature. It may leave you battered and bruised and generally worse for wear, but you won. Let's live in another world. A world where you don't win, where despite your best efforts.. you lose. What if you keep losing, you try new strategies: you lose, you try taking the advice of others: you lose, no matter what you do: you lose. What if, you never win? You begin to doubt if winning is even a possibility. It's death by a thousand cuts. Anyone can lose once, more than that and you begin to erode the spirit.

That's where I feel I'm at. Currently living from fleeting distraction to fleeting distraction. Does it assuage the feelings, sure. Is it what I want to be doing, probably not.

There's so many things that I want to do, so many things I want to see. It's too bad I'll never see them.